The perfect politician

Further to my last post on John Edwards…

The whole Edwards fiasco also got me thinking about what it takes to be a credible politician these days. Here is a tick sheet of criteria I came up with:

1. Must be happily married to childhood sweetheart and have well behaved children (if your child gets caught drink driving step down from the premiership podeum immediately)
2. Must be free from extra-marital affairs (seaming not so important in America)
3. Must never have so much as sneezed in the direction of anyone who has been incarcerated (especially important in Western Australia)
4. Must have firm christian religious views (local priests should be media trained – “Hillary ain’t never been called a [N-word]!”)
5. Must not have ever taken any form of illegal substance or smoked a cigarette ( although I think it’s ok if you don’t inhale)
6. Must never have visited a strip club (except if you didn’t actually realise it was a strip club)
7. Must never have been drunk (sipping from a glass of champagne ribbon cutting events is permissible)
8. Must be robotic and charismatic at the same time
9. Must keep all social networking activity in check (Liberals take note… its not ok to start an a blog slandering your party leader, it also is not ok to join an anti-Nelson group on facebook)
10. Must be a member of a minority group or have come from humble beginnings

Its’ a tough bill. And its going to be even harder to live up to these ”captain perfect” standards in the age where digital cameras are everywhere and citizen ‘journalists’ are numerous. In order to meet such criteria politicians will need to be hand picked from birth. Just as we train sports stars from a young age, we will also have to train our leaders. Make sure there is no blotch on their record that could be dug up by the opposition.  It’s politics in captivity. Battery politics. Politics Daddo style. 

Most people are not fit to represent most people.

Most people don’t marry their childhood love, in fact most people arn’t even married and of those that do get married often it isn’t their first marriage. The reason their first marriage ended is often because of an extramarital affair. Most people know someone who has been to jail. Most people are not christian. Most people have experimented with some form of narcotic. Most males have visited a strip club. Most females have been to hens night where a male stripper was present. Most people have been drunk on more than one occasion. Most people have moments where they wish they could blend in with the carpet. Most people are not black and homeless.

Thank god we arn’t governed by robots. Most Australians don’t live up to this “perfect person” criteria. A politician is a peoples representative. They need to understand the peoples issues. Make the peoples mistakes and deal with the peoples consequences…all be it in a far more public, sensational way and incredibly amusing way.

In politics timing is everything

Absolutely love a good political scandal….

This one has the lot.  A Presidential hopeful, his terminally ill wife, the film producer mistress and the illegitimate child.

A bit of history behind the John Edwards story (which surprisingly I am struggling to find too much media coverage on): Until very recently Edwards, a star Democrat and one-time presidential hopeful, was the American political golden child. Good looking, philanthropic, picket-fence family…he was everything the Stepfords love. Although he didn’t make the presidential ticket he was a heavy contender for Vice President.

Now, I’m thinking Paris “paint the White House pink” Hilton has a better chance.

In the current political climate the Vice President is so important. Do we really think either McCain or Obama will last the distance. If the 105 year old Sentor McCain wins he will probably have one, maybe two years in office before he gives out. If Obama wins some narrow minded vigilante group will knock him out JFK style to prove a Ku Klux point.

Anyway, I digress back to Edwards. Aside from being the golden child (yes he is 55 but he is a very good looking 55) of American politics his wife Elizabeth is suffering from terminal cancer. For months there has been tepid speculation that Edwards had an affair with Rielle Hunter, a largely inexperienced producer who he paid $114,000 in July 2006 to produce several campaign videos for him (these videos were suddenly removed shortly after production).  The fact that Edwards hired someone relatively inexperienced to produce his campaign videos set off initial alarm bells in my cynical mind. 

The speculation picked up momentum when Edwards was photographed  running from reporters at the hotel where Hunter was staying with her daughter Frances. Frances was born on February 27 this year. No fathers name was listed on the birth certificate. Edwards has aggressively denied he is the father of the child (just as he originally denied having an affair with Hunter) and has also welcomed any DNA testing to prove this. Hunter on the other hand has not commented on the father of the child and, conveniently (there I go being cynical again), refused to allow any DNA testing to confirm paternity.

The speculation climaxed on Friday night when Edwards came out on American ABC television and admitted that he had an affair with Hunter.

What possible motive could he have had for announcing this on Friday 08/08/08?

Surely someone in the Edwards corner should have informed him that on this day everyone will be too preoccupied with he fireworks and flag waving of the Olympic Opening Ceremony in Beijing to pay attention to what the cheating politician has to say???

Oh wait…maybe that’s the point.

I know it happens all the time (some may even call it a cleaver PR tactic) but in my mind it looks downright manipulative. Burying a story under a much bigger world event is not transparent. It is sneaky. 

Although I don’t know what the coverage is like in America, in Australia it has been minimal (what would I do with out the Huffington Post!). A quick survey of virtually everyone I came in contact with yesterday and not one person knew about the affair (full disclosure that just under half those I spoke to actually knew who John Edwards was – with many mistaking him for the psychic). A quick scan of the three major Melbourne newspapers…nothing.

I now make it a habit to look very closely at international (and local) politics in times of notoriety. Whats that there on page 6? Oh Kevin Rudd introducing the world to his illegitimate son during the popes recent visit?